April Things

on becoming a mom (someday!), reading rainbow, and finding joy

Hi friends, happy Sunday!

Yes, it’s May, but today I want to share about what I have been doing/seeing/reading/drawing in April. This month has been pretty transformative for me in ways that you’ll read below :)

Just a heads up — I’ll be talking about infertility/IVF today in my “DID” section, which I know can be a sensitive subject. <3

Thanks for being here!

DID:

In April, I did a lot of mom stuff (despite not being a mom).

I’ve mentioned this very briefly in another post, but Jonny and I are gearing up to start IVF later this year. Days after I got married (literally TWO DAYS after), I found out I was a premutation carrier for Fragile X syndrome. I remember exactly where I was when I got the phone call—mid-celebratory meal with my in-laws at our favorite hot pot place.

Although I knew being a premutation carrier was a possibility due to other members of my family who were also carriers, for some reason, I didn’t think it would happen to me. Isn’t that funny how the human brain works? In that phone call at the hot pot place, I learned that I have a 50/50 chance of passing on the syndrome to my child. This has brought up a lot of ethical questions for me on how to go about having children. I have volunteered and worked with special needs students throughout my life, and have family members with Fragile X Syndrome. I can see how they add genuine light, empathy, and awe to the world. I can also see the challenges that come for both the caretakers and the person affected by the gene — physically, financially, mentally, emotionally.

When I was younger, I couldn’t help but wonder, is IVF playing God? Is it ethical to purposely opt out of the challenges (and potential blessings) of having a special needs child? On the other hand, is it ethical to knowingly pass down a gene that can severely impact my child’s quality of life?

This is a question a lot of premutation carriers deal with.

Slowly, I have come to the realization that all children have special needs — and by doing what we can to not pass along this gene, we are not rejecting difficulty, but choosing a different kind. Life is hard, and each child will always have different things they need. Recent online debates about IVF have somehow weasled their way onto my “recommended” videos or posts. God has helped me see the irony that when people judge others for doing IVF—calling it “playing God”—they’re actually the ones trying to take God’s place. In Judeo-Christian theology, it’s not our role to pass judgment on others’ deeply personal decisions, often without knowing the full story. That role belongs to God alone.

Ultimately, Jonny and I have chosen to undergo IVF to conceive. With current in-vitro and karyomapping technology, we have the ability now to genetically test embryos for Fragile X Syndrome, and other chromosome linked disorders, before they are implanted in the uterus. Because Fragile X is so rare, I have done a lot of research on the process of how it is transmitted, how it can expand, and how it will be screened in genetic testing.

I am not yet 30, and I still honestly feel ridiculously young to be a mom, but the reality is that IVF for premutation carriers typically takes three times as many cycles as the “regular” patient because we are playing a game of odds. It’s not just about getting healthy eggs and sperm, it’s about which ones last until the testing stage, and from there, which ones are affected by the gene (like I said earlier, the odds are 50/50). Additionally, premutation carriers typically have higher chances of going into premenopause early, sometimes as early as 35! When I started counting backwards, doing some math, and crunching the numbers, I realized… oh. If I want to be able to have more than one child, we need to get started, like… now.

And yet, even with that realization, it’s been hard to take the leap. With IVF, there are no “surprise” pregnancies. We can’t just stop birth control and leave it up to fate. Once you get started and implant, that’s it! You’re pregnant! It is very intentional and also a little daunting.

I logically knew I wanted a child — or rather, that I wanted to want one, but beginning that process without having the gut feeling that I was ready to have a child felt… wrong? Terrifying? Premature? A disservice to my future self and future child? My mind was ready to go but my heart wasn’t quite matching up on that… until this month.

baby E

To everyone’s surprise, my aunt (who was told she would never have kids, and is 45 years old) found out she was pregnant at 8.5 months along, TWO WEEKS before actually giving birth (!!!!) With such a sudden life-altering miracle, different members of my family traveled to Florida to help out with childcare while she and her husband worked full-time. Since I have a very flexible schedule, I flew out for a week to take care of my baby cousin during the day.

At first, it was overwhelming. The relentless cycle of eat-change diaper-sleep, eat-change diaper-sleep with a very particular baby is challenging. But by day three, I learned that she falls asleep easier when she’s upright, that she prefers to be left alone to lay and look at the world for a while, and that she loves going on walks, so long as they’re not too far. I learned how satisfying it is to help her fall asleep. One night, when she stared into my eyes with absolute and complete trust, I had what I joke about now as my “motherhood awakening” (which was me rocking her and silently crying about how beautiful and small and trusting she was).

I facetimed Jonny that night and said, “Okay, let’s do this.”

SAW:

I watched an absolutely beautiful documentary this month!

For fellow Reading Rainbow lovers, or anyone who enjoys reading… watch this documentary. It is hopeful, and inspiring, and also very honest.

LaVar Burton, the show’s host, before becoming the host, was previously cast as a young slave Kunta Kinte in a TV show Roots. How incredibly symbolic and poignant that he first played a boy who represented people who were horribly treated and seldom taught to read, and then went on to instill a love of reading in children of all backgrounds throughout America. Book sales skyrocketed due to Reading Rainbow, and the show explored themes that were difficult to talk about, like birth, prejudice, and death.

One thing that stood out to me was that a co-creator of the show was a former schoolteacher, Twila Liggett. She said something along the lines of “we think children are too weak to handle stuff like this, but they are less fragile than we think they are.” In my own experience as a teacher, I saw that kids respond best when you talk to them human-to-human, not down to them. There are age appropriate ways to handle tough subjects, yes, but I believe it is always best to be honest.

Reading Rainbow did this in a thoughtful way — through literature! Watching this made me feel nostalgic for that kind of television. I wish I could go back in time and watch it again as a child!

READ:

I have accidentally found myself studying joy in April.

It didn’t happen on purpose — and actually, the best things seldom happen on purpose.

I was substitute teaching this past week, and was quite frankly bored out of my mind (the current state of public education is a rant for another day). The teacher had a book on her desk called The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World. It was written by the Dalai Lama XIV — Tibetan Buddhist Leader turned accidental political powerhouse when the Chinese regime attacked Tibet in 2008 and forced him and his people to go into exile in India, Desmond Tutu — the Archbishop of South Africa who led a fight against the apartheid regime in South Africa, and Douglas Abrams — a secular Jewish man who interviewed these two great faith leaders for five days as they discussed only the topic of joy.

I didn’t know what to expect reading this book, and to be honest, I felt a bit of resistance to it. I may have some residual hurt over the idea of “joy” being tied to something that my religious group had (the “fulness of the gospel”) and other groups were incapable of having. For a long time, I felt like a gatekeeper of joy — my religion had something that others did not, and people outside of the church would never truly feel joy. Happiness, sure. But never joy.

So I guess, unknowingly, I had transferred that fear and distaste for the concept of joy itself.

This book has felt sunlight bursting through the clouds on a new day.

I just learned there is a documentary showing their conversations! I am going to watch it when I finish the book. :)

What I love about these two faith leaders is their clear-eyed view of pain and injustice, and their deep unshakable joy. In their lives, they have not been exempt from hatred, prejudice, and cruelty. They have spoken out against inequality and have actively worked to bring more inclusivity to their faith traditions. Abrams describes these men as among the most “inclusive leaders in the world” — and that is not an understatement.

Both have transcended their faith traditions in their own way. In the course of the five days that they were together, they partook in each other’s faith traditions. The Archbishop participated in a meditation session, and, although typically not offered to non-Christians, the Dalai Lama participated in communion.

Throughout their discussions, they seemed to always be laughing, and joked with each other about the Dalai Lama going to hell because he wasn’t Christian. I loved reading about how they were able to not take themselves so seriously, and meet each other human-to-human.

What they seem to come back to in their conversations again and again is that when we see ourselves as special or separate, we isolate ourselves, which leads us to suffer. Focusing on me-me-me, I-I-I, causes us to lose sight of the bigger picture — that we are all brothers and sisters, and that we are all human.

Something I have come to appreciate about Mormonism is the instilled belief in me that all people are children of God, born as children of God. I’ve learned that some other Christian denominations do not see it this way — that being a child of God is something that you enter into when claiming Jesus as your Savior. It’s a subtle difference that can cause a great divide.

When I start to look at my actions (and inactions) on what connects vs what separates, life starts to become more clear. Creativity and connection is what I want to bring to the world, not dullness and separation. This translates into relationships, politics, and belief systems pretty easily. Does is separate or does it connect? Does it harm or does it heal?

Joy, I am learning, is a byproduct of connection, creativity, acceptance, humor, and grace.

DRAW:

Perhaps inspired by the faith leaders above and their ability to be rooted in their traditions while extending beyond their imaginary confines, I decided to attend an LDS ward today. It felt familiar and nice.

Some doodles from church today:

I’d love to hear about what you are doing/seeing/reading/drawing!

Past Monthly Things:

March Things

February Things