Something for Sundays: There. Oh. There is God.

How my faith crisis has transformed me

Kimber Poon

Jul 21, 2024

Something for Sundays is a series of posts about my experiences with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, featured in my Kimber Was Here newsletter. Today's post reflects my personal journey wrestling with Mormon faith and tradition, and may challenge some beliefs. If you're not in the right space to read this, I understand, I do not fault you, and I am so grateful you subscribe anyway. I love you! :)

Hello!

Since I’ve spent my last few Something for Sundays talking about some big topics …

… I wanted to take today to reflect on how I have transformed as a person for the better (while still recognizing my transformation is still in process!)

Talking about faith evolution is tricky because language does not quite capture the experience of upending your life, unearthing who you are, and re-evaluating what you want. Do I use “struggle with my faith”, do I say “evolve my faith” do I say “deconstruct” do I say “disentangle” do I say “wrestle with tradition” do I say “question”… it’s confusing to me to even put into words what I have been going through! It’s not just been a negative experience, but also a largely positive one.

There is a big narrative within the Church that people who leave are miserable, unhappy, or unable to have a fullness of joy. So, for people who have left, or who are in the process of leaving, or are wondering about leaving, there can be a pressure to maintain a happy front to try to challenge that narrative. It can feel like you need to make sure to show your happiness to those still fully in the church to prove you aren’t miserable or confused, like you’ve been told people who leave will be.

So, I’m not going to say I am happier after disentangling my beliefs. I am about the same amount of happy as I was before. I have hard days and I have blissful days. But I will say that I feel more relaxed. I feel more peaceful day-to-day. I feel less afraid. I feel more curious. And that, by all accounts, is a gift!

Reading the New Testament

People laugh when I tell them that my faith deconstruction seriously started, really, when I chose to read the New Testament. For the first time in my life, I prioritized reading the New Testament over reading the Book of Mormon. To be clear, the Church encourages people to read the Bible as well as the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price. However, there is rhetoric about needing to read the Book of Mormon every day as to not lose your faith. Because of this emphasis of daily reading of the Book of Mormon, I found that I didn’t have time to read both the Book of Mormon and the Bible! So, if I didn’t have time, I would just read the Book of Mormon, as that felt more important.

Although I had read the Book of Mormon several times, it occurred to me that I had never read the New Testament all the way through, let alone the whole Bible all the way through!

So, I started to read the New Testament. I purposely did not use any study guides, curriculum, or reading schedule to assist me. It was just me, the book, and God. And that single decision is what launched me into a deep faith transformation.

God ministers to us in different ways. I think about Jesus’ ministry, and how he healed the people around him. For some people, he gave them mud to rub in their eyes. For others, he spoke the word and they were healed. Each person was treated individually. There wasn’t a one-size-fits-all. Similarly, when people come to know Jesus, there are different changes they may make as a result of that relationship. But in the end, the common denominator of their healing was one thing: Jesus.

Transactional God VS Relational God

Through my faith evolution, I’ve realized that many of the choices we make, much of the way we move about life, is reflected in who we think God is.

It takes some time to shift from a transactional view of God to a relational view of God. When I viewed God as a transactional god, I gave some of the credit of the good things that happened to myself. It was my obedience, my following a prompting, my powerful faith, my service, my testimony that landed me to ______ blessing.

Me, me, me, me, me.

Does that not sound like the Pharisees in the New Testament? Wait — does that not sound like the Rameumptom in the Book of Mormon?

A big shift in my faith evolution was understanding that God did things because God is Good. Because God is Love. Because God is Just. Because God is Merciful.

In a simple, but powerful analogy: think of Santa Clause. Instead of teaching kids that Santa will bring them toys if they are good, what about teaching kids that Santa will bring them toys because he is good? Even if the kids fight, lie, cheat, steal in their childish ways… Santa will still come bearing gifts because he is good and he is faithful to us.

Because of Mormonism’s view of the Godhead — God being one in purpose, but there is a high emphasis on the three separate beings — I never really considered Jesus as a representation of God. I saw Jesus as a Big Brother, as my Advocate with the Father, as my Way of getting to heaven. I didn’t really understand that Jesus was Emmanuel: God with us.

It feels peaceful to me to look at Jesus and see God. I trust the Jesus of the New Testament. I notice the way he prioritizes the lowly and the oppressed. I am in awe of his honesty and cleverness. I delight knowing that Mary Magdalene, Mary and Martha of Bethany, Joanna, and other unnamed women were counted among his closest friends and students.

It’s a shift that has been substantial in my view of God. It’s tricky because there are hints of this relational view of God in Mormonism, but in my experience, God seemed so bound by laws and covenants that my understanding of grace was limited.

Basically, I am learning to trust in God’s faithfulness instead of trying to trust in my own faithfulness.

There is no exchange here. I don’t do X and expect God to do Y. Or at least, I try not to. I am a human human.

What I mean by that is I still have periods of self-righteousness, greed, envy, and pride. I still sometimes expect God to reward me for my good behavior, instead of actively seeking God with the hope that he will transform me from the inside out.

But sometimes realizing your own shortcomings is part of realizing the greatness of God.

Be Jesus

Instead of trying to appease a strict God, now what I try to do… is I try to walk with Jesus. I try to follow in His footsteps. My motivations of my actions have changed. Instead of doing certain things to expect a reward or blessing, or doing certain things to avoid punishment, I do certain things out of love of God, or desire to develop a closer relationship to God.

One of my favorite poems is the “Chiasm on the Being of God” by Carol Lynn Pearson.

Chiasm on the Being of God
By Carol Lynn Pearson
There is no God.
So.
Here.
I will have to lean in and do
just a tiny bit
of what God should do.
There.
Oh.
There is God.

“Lean[ing] in and do[ing]” what God should do looks like being radically inclusive. It looks like caring for those in need. It looks like reaching out beyond ourselves again and again.

The scriptures say charity is the greatest of all attributes, even greater than faith. It is leaning into our deep love for the people that is synonymous with leaning into God’s work on earth.

I love Mother Theresa’s advice to “be Jesus.” (Source) If I’m going to take advice from anyone, it’s Mother Theresa!

I’ve spent a good part of my faith journey trying to figure out what God’s rules are. I wanted to do right in God’s view. But I have found that as I have studied Jesus more closely, I see opportunities to “be Jesus” everywhere.

It’s not easy. A relational view of God is consistently vulnerable. In times that you might feel stranded at sea, it may feel as if God is sleeping. (Matthew 8:23-27)

But somehow, someway, those sleeping moments bring gifts of their own.

I don’t think those times are a test or punishment. I think it’s a time of deepening our capacity to understand others, understand God, and understand ourselves. I’ve found that when my heart is broken, God finds a way to turn the broken soil of my soul into fertile ground to plant seeds.

So, what good has come from my faith crisis struggle evolution deconstruction reconstruction disentanglement journey? What seeds has God planted in me that have begun to take root?

I feel more open. I feel more understanding of others. I feel more committed to my walk with Jesus. I am able to look at a non-member without a gnawing responsibility that I need to convert them. I am more empathetic. I feel more embodied. I am more curious. I know my values more acutely. I have more wonder. I have more astonishment for the world around me. I am more brave. I am less afraid of disappointing people. I am less afraid of being wrong. I am less afraid of changing my mind. My choices feel more like mine.

And, because God is good, I feel peace and confidence and joy and self control and deep deep love in a way that I haven’t before. My heart has broken many times on this journey, and each time God is somehow able to breathe life into that broken soil. We are able to tend to the garden in my soul together. It’s just what God does.

Would I wish this complete upheaval of life and self and community on anyone? Honestly, no.

But if a person is brought to eat the fruit, to embrace the broken soil, and to begin the journey of questioning your faith… I know how hard it is. And I am here for you.