Something for Sundays: All things new

reinventing myself through Jesus

Hello, hello. I am writing from my homeland of Salt Lake City! I have been on “spring break.” I put “spring break” in quotations because, admittedly, I didn’t have much of a break. 

In between hugging my friends and family, I have been grading papers, driving around my parent’s minivan, and reminding myself of all the good things that exist in Utah. 

Exhibit A: I went to the library near my in-law’s house and saw that they have an event twice a month where children can come and read books to a therapy dog. WHAT??

Visiting Utah at this time has made me nostalgic. This coming week is an important week. Two years ago, I made the most impactful decision of my life! I got married!!! And then two days later I had my birthday!!! And then the next day I moved to Austin!!! 

In one week, my whole world completely flipped upside down. 

Just two lovebirds taking on the world :’)

I moved to Austin with a new husband, a new age, a new last name, no furniture, no friends, and knowing absolutely nobody in our area. I remember my heart thumping in my chest as I drove to our new apartment for the first time. Well… here we go! As an Aries-Pisces cusp, I am an aggressively dreamy and optimistic person, and I remember thinking to myself “I wonder what friends I have here that I haven’t met yet?” 

I can’t believe that in just two years, Austin feels so much like home. I have made amazing friends, found a beautiful church community, and have an awesome job. Others who live in Austin have noted on how much I love Austin. And it’s true – I really do love it. I love the sunny weather, outdoor seating areas with twinkly lights, barbecue and tex-mex, kind people, and music. But I think what I have loved so much about Austin is the chance it gave me to just breathe and be me with no pre-set expectations. 

Moving to a new place at such a pivotal part of my life was one of the best things that I have ever done. I’m not sure if this is a Utah thing, or a hometown thing, but sometimes it feels that my personal growth and discovery could only go so far staying where I was. I needed to leave the nest and spread my wings a bit and feel like I could have my own opinions and thoughts and interests. 

I could re-invent myself in Austin, I could be whoever I wanted to be! I could wear a new style of clothes, try out breadmaking, create art, go by a new name, wander around aimlessly, listen to new kinds of music! People wouldn’t expect me to be outgoing when I felt shy, or vice versa. Nobody knew me! 

I know many of these expectations are self-imposed, but there is something about physically removing yourself from a place that brings new insights, new adventures, and new opinions and ideas.

This new-ness of myself that I experienced in my move to Austin, in some ways, reminds me of my new relationship with Jesus.

I knew about Jesus my whole life. I knew His purpose, His life, His story. Check, check, check. I felt His love and His sacrifice. I felt comforted and felt an affinity to His admonition to help the needy and care for the poor. I knew the equation it took to get to heaven. 

I have since learned this: Relationship and Religion can exist together, but they are not synonymous. 

My objective in life is not to be a good Christian, but to know Christ. 

You can sense a difference in people who know God. You can feel it in their words, by the way they talk about others and themselves. You can see their inner confidence and light. I can see that so readily in others, and at times I see glimpses of it in myself, too. I can’t help but wonder what others see when they look at me.

When you’re filled up with Love, I wonder if it spills out of you, without you even knowing it.

I thought I knew God my whole life. The truth is this – I was growing to know God. I still am. My naive surety has matured into a more flexible faith. It’s hard feeling like I’ve been wrong about things, and it’s hard reflecting on times in the past that I thought I was following God but was misguided.

In Isaiah, God talks about doing a new thing with His people. He can make rivers in our wilderness. I sometimes feel that I am in the wilderness with those Israelites, following around that great big cloud of God. I pray for manna and He gives it to me. The truth is, God is making all things new. I am getting to know God now in a completely new way. 

God continues to shape me in ways that I do not expect. Do I trust him?

Do I trust him to change me from the inside out? I am trying.

Because I am a teacher, I often feel like I have to know something before I write it — I want to have the answers, the method, the way, before I can write something (like this newsletter). But the truth is, I am sitting in this process of balancing between knowing and unknowing. I am holding my breath while I move forward and hoping I don’t make a wrong choice. I am trusting God in a radically new way and it is scary to me!

Can I make a wrong choice with God on my side? Won’t he make everything work out eventually? What am I so afraid of?

As I sift through my feelings about the Church, about God, about myself… I am starting to see a difference between critical thinking and just being plain critical. 

One of my quotes is by Iaian Thomas:

And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, “This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!” And each day, it’s up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, “No. This is what’s important."

The world feels loud sometimes. Opinions feel loud sometimes. Church feels loud sometimes. 

I have started to begin my mornings in a way that I intentionally have quiet moments where I sit with God and open up my heart. I try to let God in before I let in anything else.

Life around us is loud, but God can be louder. 

Life with Him is an opportunity to make all things new. I am learning that I don’t need to move to a new place or try out a new hairstyle to feel new. I yank my hand back, tune in to the voice of God, and place it back on my beating heart. 

Thanks for reading,