Reintegrating

Melding together Mormon me and current me

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This month, I took my friend visiting Utah for the first time to the LDS Conference Center. I didn’t know what I expected to feel going there with her. The building is big and beautiful, with interesting glass art hanging from the ceiling and hundreds of painting depicting different church scenes. She guffawed at the brazenly blue-eyed Jesus paintings, and when we went into big room — you know the one — with the ginormous organ and thousands of seats — I felt a heavy pressure on my chest. She felt it, too. She later told me it all felt “jarring.”

The conference center

I used to take the Church’s grand buildings and big displays of wealth as proof that the Church was true. Look how big and nice our buildings are! Look at this beautiful chandelier! We have so much money, which means God approves!

We walked by the enormous portraits of the current prophet, first presidency, and twelve apostles. They were painted with such detail that I thought they were photographs.

We were approached by set after set of eager sister missionaries, impossibly kind and sweet, and one of them shared in hushed tones that she hoped to meet the prophet one day. I looked at her, with her shin-length skirt and plastered smile, and I saw myself. I didn’t expect meeting my past self to feel so… detached.

I found myself walking through the center, and although I knew the talking points of the sister missionaries, and all the Book of Mormon stories on the walls, the experience felt oddly separate from me.

This is a weird feeling, especially when belonging to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been something that my entire life has centered around — from weekly meetings, yearly worthiness interviews, serving a full-time mission, to singing “I love to see the temple, I’m going there someday” as a child, and then actually going through the temple when I was nineteen, and getting married there when I was twenty-five.

Much of my life has been informed by church this and church that, in both constructive and destructive ways. To feel apart from it has been a major shift in the way I spend my time and also a shift in how I view myself.

It feels weird when someone mentioned it was General Conference weekend this weekend and I didn’t know.

It feels weird that women are talking in circles online about the significance of two-inches being removed from the temple garment sleeve when I have already decided not to wear them anymore.

It feels weird when I go to the temple grounds, walking the perimeter, noting the colors of the flowers, knowing what happens inside, but am not allowed to go in anymore. It feels weirder that I do not want to go in anymore, even if I could.

It feels weird seeing the church being portrayed in the media in a negative light (like the Ruby Franke documentary, Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, etc) and not feeling offended.

It feels weird when I am at the conference center, showing my friend around, with no intention of trying to convert her. I let the conference center speak for itself, big and mysterious as it is, trying to present the restored gospel as “simple”, but it is painfully obvious that the layers just keep going and going and going.

Severance

I recently listened to the Girlscamp podcast where the host, Hayley Rawle, compared and contrasted the TV show Severance with the LDS Church. If you don’t know what Severance is — it is a show that plays with the idea of the ultimate work-life balance. People have a procedure that “severs” their brain and surgically divides a person’s memory between their work life ("innie") and their outside life ("outie"). The result? When you're at work, you remember nothing about your personal life—and when you're off the clock, you remember nothing about work.

There’s a lot of odd connections between Severance and Mormonism, but what stuck out to me in the podcast was the comparison of conceptualizing your current and past self as it pertains to the church. In the show, the main character goes through a process of “reintegration” — which attempts to meld together his “innie” and his “outie”. The process is very complicated and extremely painful.

In a way, this “reintegration” idea explains my healing process — trying to meld together my Mormon self and my current self. It can be very complicated and extremely painful.

For instance — when I think about my desire to be a mother, does that desire come from current me or Mormon me? Does it matter?

Or when choosing an outfit, am I wearing things simply out of rebellion — and therefore still influenced by the Church? Or is it really what I want to wear?

Would I dress differently if “Mormon” me had never existed? Would I have gotten a second peircing? What would my political views be like? What would my hobbies be? My career?

When I saw those sweet sister missionaries at the conference center, it was like looking at my 2015 self, full of fiery conviction and trusting belief. The way I see it now, my conviction and belief was placed in an institution over God himself, although I didn’t see it that way at the time. Past me would be feeling sorry for current me, and current me feels sorry for past me. It’s like we’re two separate people with two different lives and worldviews.

Part of my “reintegration” healing is realizing that both parts of me — my Mormon me, and my current me, are still just me. I am not separate from my devoted Mormon self, in fact, she had an inner wisdom that I still rely on.

Now, to my embarrassment, I can’t recall the exact names of Primary songs like I used to. I don’t feel a rush of excitement when a new temple is announced. It’s weird to have that part of me start to feel more like a past self instead of a current one.

Maybe it’s just… growing up?

I try to remind myself that everyone goes through some level of transformation in life — that’s just part of growing up. People leave the towns they were raised in, learn about their values and preferences as they mature, and make decisions informed by how they grew up. That’s just life.

It’s a collective experience to want to hold onto the good that our parents and communities gave us and still reach out for something more. In a way, we are all reintegrating — trying to hold onto that pure, childlike wisdom and wonder while using our fully developed adult brain to navigate a sometimes pretty harsh world.

Even as I step away from the Church, I can’t help but frame my life within the context of the Church — with it, or without it. I wonder when I’ll just see life as life — not in the context of what I’ve let go of. It’s hard when neighbors who barely know me look at me with sad eyes because they don’t see me in the pews. It’s hard when people say “I miss seeing you at church” instead of just “I miss seeing you.” It’s hard to wonder if you’re disappointing your family when you know that your Mormon self is still just beneath the surface, still very much a part of you.

I’ve taken a break from church hopping for a while. As much as I have wanted to jump into Christianity, I’ve learned that with each denomination comes a whole new language and culture. Committing to something new feels too soon for me — I’m afraid of disappointing people again. With all the severing I’ve gone through, I’ve really felt like I just need to sit with me, get to know the me now. What do I care about? How do I want to spend my time? Where am I placing my self-worth? Where do I want to live? What do I value? What are my motivations for pursuing parenthood, and how do I want to teach my future child about the world? It’s like my “innie” (Mormon) self is getting to know my “outie” (post-Mormon? regular? I don’t know how to define my current self) and we need some time to figure out how to reintegrate in a way that honors both of us.

May you reintegrate thoughtfully,

current me

Some things I’ve been reading/listening to lately that I haven’t stopped thinking about and you might like, too:

• Re: recent Mormon-adjacent happenings in the news, I loved Chelsea Homer’s commentary on how LDS influencers are responding to the less-than-ideal portrayal of the church in the media:

Influencers in the Wild (West)

• I haven’t stopped thinking about

  Kandis Lake
  ’s timeline that clearly shows women’s authority being stripped away from women in the church:

Women's Authority in the Church: A Timeline

• McArthur Krishna is a woman I really admire. I love the way that she chooses to engage with church doctrine while remaining a devout member. I wish I could have listened to this interview of hers in my early twenties. YES to female sovereignty!

• This is the podcast I referenced above about Severance and Mormonism. So many fascinating parallels, and I always enjoy Hayley’s commentary on the post-Mormon experience.