I’d gone through a bit of a faith journey myself around 2012-2015. It was after I’d graduated BYU, already been sealed, and landed in my first family ward in Boise. I went “inactive” and stopped keeping some of the rules, but didn’t really investigate or deconstruct fully either. I just knew I didn’t feel like I fit in there anymore, or wanted to be there.
Then in 2015, I moved to California by myself and thought I’d try a new ward out to make some friends. I showed up with very clear boundaries I set with the Bishop— no leadership callings, I’m good at piano and organ so I could happily play those, and I had no intentions of renewing my temple recommend.
For a month or two, that was fine. Played organ, assigned a primary accompanist role, would often leave after sacrament meeting if I had no other obligations. Let my home teachers come over but that was it.
By month 3, I was getting pressed about being more active. I was worried about the impending issues as I held my boundaries but wasn’t sure where the line was. Then the big November policy of 2015 leaked, the one that said if one of your parents is in a queer relationship, you can’t get baptized until age 18. That was the nail in the coffin, I knew I couldn’t stay at church.
Coincidentally, that next week I got a call from the Stake Presidency. One of them came to my house unexpectedly and said the Holy Ghost had made it clear to them (men I’d never met) that I was called to be the Executive Secretary of the ward. I was honestly in shock. I said I haven’t had a temple recommend in three years and he just ignored that, saying he was sure I could sort that out. I said I’d think about it. They immediately sent me passwords and email access to all their systems so I could schedule tithing settlements for the bishop. I was NOT keeping any commandments and wasn’t sure I believed in God, yet somehow the Spirit was prompting them to pick ME?
I never went back. One bishopric member came to my work office even to ask me why I stopped coming, and just had to further explain it wasn’t going to work. That kicked off my true deconstruction and I removed my name from the church the following summer.
I tell this story recognizing it’s just ONE data point, but it’s so hard to maintain boundaries with the church. They will persist. They will “forget” you didn’t want that. They will see you as someone tantalizing to win back fully so you can keep the church running. We are all enlisted, putting out shoulders into the church cog, I think.
So I def relate, and obliviously international wards will feel different, but it proved impossible for me and was my final effort before embracing my atheism fully. Can definitely understand the appeal of slices of familiarity abroad, and truly do hope they let you maintain your nuanced perspective with respect.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I don’t hear this perspective very often, and it’s good to hear. It only took 3 months, wow! It’s a shame that there’s always a goal or next step for each member from a leadership perspective, instead of respecting people’s personal boundaries and what they want out of church affiliation. I have been in ward councils and meetings where we discussed how to help specific people get to the “next step” in the covenant path. It feels very Scientology-esque and makes me feel very guarded when I do go to church as to not reveal more information about myself than what I want an entire ward council to know. 🫠
Thanks, yeah they really did need the musical help and I was honestly happy to provide it. I still do miss performing regularly. But almost every person in a leadership position kept pushing boundaries. The only person that respected me was the Primary President, and honestly I think she *actually* understood where I was coming from and seemed sympathetic. It was my farewell to LDS culture in my daily life, looking back in hindsight. A final taste, a goodbye, and felt like I did give it an honest effort.
Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. This is a valuable perspective for me to consider as an active LDS member. It is important to respect an individual's wishes and allow them to have the experience in a church community that they need and desire. All people should feel welcome to be there in whatever capacity they choose to participate.
Thanks for sharing. That is infuriating tbh. And you’re right, the church doesn’t respect boundaries because you aren’t allowed to have boundaries inside a high control religion. It’s often why so many people who leave struggle with active family members—because many active members don’t know how to have healthy boundaries. They blend with others and thus proximity equals contagion.
Didn't expect this take on balance, but you make such a good point! It's kinda like how I try to balance my core in Pilates, but with hopefully less fish sauce.
Beautiful thoughts on creating balance in your life. It will be interesting to hear about the cultural differences affecting religious practice in your Thai ward.
I love your perspectives you’re gaining living in Thailand! I’ll never judge someone for going back to the church or wanting to participate even if they’d previously left. It sounds like you’re in the process of working on balance, and like life, that changes all the time. We’re always rebalancing. When clients tell me they want to “find balance” I help them reframe it to something like “learn the art of balancing”, because it’s ongoing!
This is a great reframing. It’s true that balance isn’t something you can just “find” but a constant balancing… I’ll have to think about that for a while. 🤔
I love this talk of balance. I think your faith deconstruction has actually been a faith discovery. As a convert to the church, I still keep a little bit of "balance" in my life from the many ways I understood God before ever joining. I also wonder if going to a ward in Thailand will help you find some balance. It is my experience that outside of "Utah Mormon culture" influenced wards, I find faith, Jesus Christ, and the restored gospel much more in balance. I would love to hear about your observations on this. How is the church different in different cultures--it is a "global church" after all, espoused by our Apostles all the time, even though we don't get to see it in action very much outside of scripted talks or curated videos during conference time.
Yes, language around deconstruction never quite captures my experience! Discovery, expansion, deconstruction, disentanglement… this process has been a bit of everything. My in-laws are converts as well, and I do think that inherently gives a more balanced view of the world and life. I have felt that difference when we were in Austin and really love the people in our ward there. The ward in Thailand is very international and they definitely “stick to the basics” because so many people are new to the church. The problem is, “the basics” in the LDS faith are more BOM and prophet centric than Jesus centric… so I have still felt myself hitting up against these basic points of doctrine that don’t quite theologically align for me anymore. But I do like the diversity in the ward here a lot. :)
I’d gone through a bit of a faith journey myself around 2012-2015. It was after I’d graduated BYU, already been sealed, and landed in my first family ward in Boise. I went “inactive” and stopped keeping some of the rules, but didn’t really investigate or deconstruct fully either. I just knew I didn’t feel like I fit in there anymore, or wanted to be there.
Then in 2015, I moved to California by myself and thought I’d try a new ward out to make some friends. I showed up with very clear boundaries I set with the Bishop— no leadership callings, I’m good at piano and organ so I could happily play those, and I had no intentions of renewing my temple recommend.
For a month or two, that was fine. Played organ, assigned a primary accompanist role, would often leave after sacrament meeting if I had no other obligations. Let my home teachers come over but that was it.
By month 3, I was getting pressed about being more active. I was worried about the impending issues as I held my boundaries but wasn’t sure where the line was. Then the big November policy of 2015 leaked, the one that said if one of your parents is in a queer relationship, you can’t get baptized until age 18. That was the nail in the coffin, I knew I couldn’t stay at church.
Coincidentally, that next week I got a call from the Stake Presidency. One of them came to my house unexpectedly and said the Holy Ghost had made it clear to them (men I’d never met) that I was called to be the Executive Secretary of the ward. I was honestly in shock. I said I haven’t had a temple recommend in three years and he just ignored that, saying he was sure I could sort that out. I said I’d think about it. They immediately sent me passwords and email access to all their systems so I could schedule tithing settlements for the bishop. I was NOT keeping any commandments and wasn’t sure I believed in God, yet somehow the Spirit was prompting them to pick ME?
I never went back. One bishopric member came to my work office even to ask me why I stopped coming, and just had to further explain it wasn’t going to work. That kicked off my true deconstruction and I removed my name from the church the following summer.
I tell this story recognizing it’s just ONE data point, but it’s so hard to maintain boundaries with the church. They will persist. They will “forget” you didn’t want that. They will see you as someone tantalizing to win back fully so you can keep the church running. We are all enlisted, putting out shoulders into the church cog, I think.
So I def relate, and obliviously international wards will feel different, but it proved impossible for me and was my final effort before embracing my atheism fully. Can definitely understand the appeal of slices of familiarity abroad, and truly do hope they let you maintain your nuanced perspective with respect.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I don’t hear this perspective very often, and it’s good to hear. It only took 3 months, wow! It’s a shame that there’s always a goal or next step for each member from a leadership perspective, instead of respecting people’s personal boundaries and what they want out of church affiliation. I have been in ward councils and meetings where we discussed how to help specific people get to the “next step” in the covenant path. It feels very Scientology-esque and makes me feel very guarded when I do go to church as to not reveal more information about myself than what I want an entire ward council to know. 🫠
Thanks, yeah they really did need the musical help and I was honestly happy to provide it. I still do miss performing regularly. But almost every person in a leadership position kept pushing boundaries. The only person that respected me was the Primary President, and honestly I think she *actually* understood where I was coming from and seemed sympathetic. It was my farewell to LDS culture in my daily life, looking back in hindsight. A final taste, a goodbye, and felt like I did give it an honest effort.
Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. This is a valuable perspective for me to consider as an active LDS member. It is important to respect an individual's wishes and allow them to have the experience in a church community that they need and desire. All people should feel welcome to be there in whatever capacity they choose to participate.
Thanks for sharing. That is infuriating tbh. And you’re right, the church doesn’t respect boundaries because you aren’t allowed to have boundaries inside a high control religion. It’s often why so many people who leave struggle with active family members—because many active members don’t know how to have healthy boundaries. They blend with others and thus proximity equals contagion.
Didn't expect this take on balance, but you make such a good point! It's kinda like how I try to balance my core in Pilates, but with hopefully less fish sauce.
“But hopefully less fish sauce” made me laugh. :)
Beautiful thoughts on creating balance in your life. It will be interesting to hear about the cultural differences affecting religious practice in your Thai ward.
I love your perspectives you’re gaining living in Thailand! I’ll never judge someone for going back to the church or wanting to participate even if they’d previously left. It sounds like you’re in the process of working on balance, and like life, that changes all the time. We’re always rebalancing. When clients tell me they want to “find balance” I help them reframe it to something like “learn the art of balancing”, because it’s ongoing!
This is a great reframing. It’s true that balance isn’t something you can just “find” but a constant balancing… I’ll have to think about that for a while. 🤔
I love this talk of balance. I think your faith deconstruction has actually been a faith discovery. As a convert to the church, I still keep a little bit of "balance" in my life from the many ways I understood God before ever joining. I also wonder if going to a ward in Thailand will help you find some balance. It is my experience that outside of "Utah Mormon culture" influenced wards, I find faith, Jesus Christ, and the restored gospel much more in balance. I would love to hear about your observations on this. How is the church different in different cultures--it is a "global church" after all, espoused by our Apostles all the time, even though we don't get to see it in action very much outside of scripted talks or curated videos during conference time.
Yes, language around deconstruction never quite captures my experience! Discovery, expansion, deconstruction, disentanglement… this process has been a bit of everything. My in-laws are converts as well, and I do think that inherently gives a more balanced view of the world and life. I have felt that difference when we were in Austin and really love the people in our ward there. The ward in Thailand is very international and they definitely “stick to the basics” because so many people are new to the church. The problem is, “the basics” in the LDS faith are more BOM and prophet centric than Jesus centric… so I have still felt myself hitting up against these basic points of doctrine that don’t quite theologically align for me anymore. But I do like the diversity in the ward here a lot. :)