Let them, let me

Why I am not trying to "change" the LDS Church

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I’ve been listening to a popular book these days – The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins.

This book can be summed up in four words: Let them. Let me.

Is someone angry at you for a dumb reason? Let them be angry. Worried that people might be disappointed in you? Let them be disappointed. Is your friend making choices you wouldn’t? Let them make those choices.

We don’t have control over what people do, say, or think anyway, so saying “let them” is a signal to ourselves to surrender our illusion of control.

The “let me” part comes in when you begin to see what is within your circle of control. Let me go for a walk to blow off steam. Let me trust myself. Let me voice concerns if needed, and then choose to support my friend in their choices.

I’ve subconsciously believed in this “theory” for a long time – even if I didn’t have the exact words for it. But ever since my faith transition/expansion/deconstruction/disentanglement, I’ve found Robbins’ book to be a reaaalllyy good reminder.

the pictures in today’s post don’t really have anything to do with what I’m writing about, but I wanted to share anyway :)

Changing the Church

When I first started to feel what I now call cognitive dissonance – that mental gymnastics to make things make sense – I felt a strong desire to be an advocate for change within the church.

As I began to see problems with new eyes – recognizing the inequalities between men and women, scratching my head at the use of the sacrament as a means of punishment, and wondering why a belief in Joseph Smith and modern prophets is required to enter the temple – I thought, “Easy! I can change that!”

I naively thought that I was among the first ever to consider or attempt to change things. I was a baby reformer, unknowingly standing on the shoulders of many, many, many before.

I began to open up conversations about Heavenly Mother, women’s roles in the Church, and the LGBTQ+ community within my local church circles. I talked about my doubts and struggles openly. I advocated for myself to be in leadership positions where women traditionally were not allowed.

On a local level, there is some wiggle room for change. And, with the luck of progressive local leadership, I was able to see some results from my attempts.

But as I started paying attention to others trying to bring about change in the church on a larger scale, I saw how quickly they burned out. Last year, I saw Neylan McBaine speak at the Faith Matters Restore conference about the 10 years since her book Women at Church: Magnifying LDS Women’s Local Impact had been published. The main impression I took from her powerful message was, “I’ve worked really really hard… and in 10 years, not much has changed.” She seemed exhausted.

I applaud her efforts. And I applaud any and all efforts of people who work really hard to move the big, big ship that is the LDS Church. I am confident that even if immediate changes don’t happen, their impact is still felt! I mean, thinking about the recent changes in garments, it was a woman named Afton Southam Parker who gave a presentation to the head of the garment-makers-department back in 2023, which I believe sparked some of the adjustments to the garment sleeve.

I am grateful for men and women who speak up, create organizations, and carve out spaces for belonging within the church. And for a while I thought that I would be one of these trailblazers. I stayed for a while because I thought, “The best way to change the church is by being inside of it!”

And that might be true.

But after a while, I started to realize that the parts of the church I didn’t align with the most weren’t the “cultural things” – it was the doctrinal things. I didn’t get offended by volunteers in my congregation teaching a Sunday school class, I was more offended by what the manual they were teaching from was saying (I have long felt that the Church Educational System (CES) is the most powerful department within the Church).

In my last ward, I was a primary teacher. By the time of my calling, I was in the thick of my faith disentanglement. I loved my ward members, I loved the kids, and I loved teaching. Each week my co-teacher and I would be very mindful of what we taught the 5 year olds in our class. We tried to amplify women’s parts in scripture, and were intentional about being inclusive in the ways that we could. We tried our best to stick to the basics.

I remember distinctly teaching the lesson on the Book of Mormon being the “keystone” of our faith. We shared a visual of what happens to a stone arch if the keystone is missing — the rest of it all comes tumbling down. During the lesson, my voice caught in my throat. I just couldn’t think of anything to say that aligned with what I believed. I couldn’t think of anything to say about the lesson that would help these little kids “increase their faith” (which begs the question, their faith in what?). So I just stayed silent.

I think that was the moment that I realized I couldn’t really change the church. I could influence the people around me, and I could do my best to pick and choose what aligned with me, but it dawned on me as a primary teacher that I didn’t find relief in focusing on the “basics” of our Latter-day doctrine.

From that time on, I realized I couldn’t change the church institution — not really. Even if I got all the surface level changes that I wanted — like more inclusivity, less rhetoric about being “the only true church,” less focus on appearance and keeping up a perfect image — the real, deep things I wanted to see changed in the church wouldn’t happen. The issues I have are with the ideologies and doctrines that shape the culture, not the culture itself.

So, I had to take a step back, and say a big “let them.”

To some it might seem like giving up, but to me it feels like a release and a relief.

Reclaiming your life

A reader of this newsletter said recently in the chat: “…I don’t think it’s worth any person's one precious life to try to change an institution dead set on staying pretty much the same”

And that makes sense, doesn’t it?

The hurt and pain experienced in relation to the Church doesn’t go away all at once – but for me, releasing my illusion of control when it came to changing the church was a way to reclaim my one wild and precious life.

• The Church does things I don’t like or agree with? Let them.

• People who know nothing about me look at me with sad eyes because they don’t see me in the pews? Let them.

• People misunderstand or judge you? Let them.

• Well-meaning family members send you texts saying you’ve been deceived by the devil? Let them.

As soon as we can “let them,” we can finally say “let me.”

• If you feel called and driven to speak up about Church changes, let yourself do it.

• If you want to connect with your neighbors in new ways outside of church, let yourself be the one to take that initiative.

• Let yourself seek to understand and not judge others.

• Let yourself process the texts on your own time, and give your family member a call to let them air out their worries.

Saying “let them” doesn’t mean you passively go through life, but it helps you reclaim your power. It helps you step out of fear and into peaceful stability.

Interestingly, the New Testament, teaches this, too.

Let Them, Respect Them, Love Them

In the time of Paul, the early grassroots-y church was trying to gain their footing. Converts to the Jesus movement came from diverse backgrounds: slaves, free persons, married, unmarried, circumcised Jews, and Gentiles. People arrived bringing their own holidays, traditions, and laws. Church leaders wondered if they should still participate in traditional Jewish traditions like circumcision, or follow certain holidays or eating restrictions. Others wondered if they should divorce to be single and celibate, which Paul saw as the best way to live (which is ironic compared to Christianity/Mormonism emphasis on marriage now).

Paul’s answer? Let them.

1 Corinthians 7:17 “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches… in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God.”

Romans 14: 5-6 “Some judge one day to be better than another, while others judge all days to be alike. Let all be fully convinced in their own minds. Those who observe the day, observe it in honor of the Lord... those who eat, eat in honor of the Lord, since they give thanks to God.”

1 Corinthians 10:29 “Why should my liberty be subject to the judgment of someone else’s conscience?”

1 Corinthians 8:9 “But take care that this liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.”

In Paul’s letters of instruction to the churches, he emphasized that believers did not need to radically change their external circumstances to be faithful to God. He did not condemn people from worshipping however they’d like to worship. He says, it’s okay to get married! It’s okay to remain single! It’s okay to keep celebrating holidays you want to celebrate! It’s okay to eat “unclean” meat just as it is okay to abstain from eating “unclean” meat.

He advises people to not let their “liberty” become a “stumbling block” or a means of “judgment” of someone else’s choices.

In other words – just because you feel in good conscience not doing something anymore, that doesn’t mean you have to impose your beliefs on other people. Let them live their one wild and precious life, too.

This looks like –

• If your loved ones want to keep the Sabbath day holy in the way they feel best doing so, let them! And better yet, support them in that.

• If being a faithful member of the Church is important to someone you love, you do not need to become a stumbling block for them.

• If a social media star wants to make a show about being a Mormon wife, let them!

• If not drinking coffee is important to someone you care about, let them, and don’t offer them a coffee!

• If your friend is wanting to serve a mission and it makes you feel knots in your stomach, let them!

• If your child or grandchild is exploring options outside Christianity, let them!

Let them. Respect them. Support them. Love them.

I wish those above scripture verses had been ones that I had learned about in Church as an active member. I don’t recall that being a theme that was emphasized to me during my 28 years as a fully-in active member. Yes, we have Article of Faith #11 which echoes these ideas very closely, but it usually seems to be applied for people outside of the Church and not within the Church.

Now, I am not trying to change the Church, and instead, I am more focused on changing me.

Because when I am able to truthfully say “let them,” I am finally able to say “let me”.

Friends, we have our own one wild and precious lives to live. Let yourself do what you’ve always wanted to do. Let yourself make mistakes. Let yourself be misunderstood. Let yourself color outside of the lines. Let yourself open your heart. Let yourself grow. Let yourself trust in the bigger, wider, better that is coming your way.

May we let go, let God, and let me,

In case you missed it…

• Coming out of hiding

• What I’ve been up to in June

• Looking at humility as a principle of joy

• My experiences church hopping

• Why is the LDS Church Still Protecting Polygamy?: honest questions and sad answers

• My tribute to my friends who are mothers <3

• Reintegrating: melding together of Mormon me and current me

• My current stance on the Book of Mormon

• Facing my shame head-on